Finding out that your spouse has cheated on you is something that most of us will consider one of the most disappointing experiences that we will ever go through. We have put our trust in this person. MeetMe.com Reviews We have invested much time and emotion into the relationship. We were faithful and we gave the relationship our all. When our spouse falls short and betrays us, it is devastating. But it is even more devastating if they do nothing to pick up the pieces or to clean up the mess.
A wife might explain: "I have
not really even gotten a heartfelt apology from my husband for cheating on me.
He pretty much shrugs his shoulders, says he messed up, and acts like our
marriage is just over. I wanted and expected for him to fight for me. He
hasn't. He will concede that he made a mistake that will require him to move
out, but he acts as if he's going no further than making this statement. He
told me that he knows he has to find a new place to live and will do so as soon
as possible. Also, he cheated on me with a relative of one of the coaches on my
daughters' travel soccer team. MeetMe Now,
things are awkward with the coach and my daughter is embarrassed to go to
practice. My husband acts as if this is our problem. He hasn't made any effort
to make this right, either. She is not his daughter, so he doesn't seem to
care. It's like he's perfectly content to just run away and not face up to what
he did. It's as if he doesn't care enough about me to stick around and try to
make amends. I'm disappointed on so many levels. How can I get him to try to
make this right by me? Honestly, I am not sure if I'll want to save my marriage
or not. But, I'd sure like that option. I'd sure like to see him make an effort
regardless of the outcome."
Unfortunately, there are a couple
of considerations that I have to bring up here. You probably already know that
you can't force someone to feel or do something. And even if you are partly
successful with this, you often still don't get what you really want - which is
to know that he truly wants to make this up to you - (willingly and on his own
and without force.) MeetMe.com If he only
takes action because you shame or guilt him, how genuine is it?
Another consideration is that very
often, men won't make any attempt to begin the healing process because they are
attempting to get you to "give in" regarding your requirements. He is
hoping that you say: "you don't have to move out. We'll work this out.
I'll show you that things can be OK if you just let me." Men do this
because they are afraid that you are going to endlessly punish them for the
affair and "hold it over their heads" and so they try to disarm you
right from the start. This might seem evil and cowardly, but it's actually very
common, even from men who are genuinely sorry and who know that they are wrong.
Because it's just human nature to want to move on instead of having to pay for
something for the rest of your life. So, he's trying to change the dynamics a
little bit.
If you're tempted to offer him some
reassurance that perhaps this is something that can be worked out, know that
what you say now might set the tone going forward. Try not to make concessions
that you will regret. Really think about what you are going to require in order
to make this right and don't give any of that away. Because once you do, you
risk feeling resentment later since you may believe that he got off easy and
isn't really sorry.
I can tell you from experience that
one of the largest difficulties in saving your marriage after your husband
cheats is truly believing that he wants you, is sorry for what he did to you,
and understands what went wrong so that he will not repeat his behavior. But,
if he doesn't have to do any work in this regard, how can you have confidence
in any of the above?
If you'd like to start a
conversation about this, talk in generalities, but don't make him promises that
will let him off the hook. You might try something like: "this whole thing
is so disappointing. Yes, the infidelity is disappointing, but frankly, what's
even worse than that is how quickly you're willing to walk away without even
trying to make it right again. Is our marriage not worth the effort to
you?"
Notice that you never said he
didn't have to make any effort. You didn't say that he didn't have to try. You
just said that you were disappointed that he didn't even attempt to make even
the slightest effort. After having this conversation, sometimes, you just have
to wait. Because he is likely waiting to see if you are going to allow him an
easy way out. When he sees that you aren't, you will sometimes see more effort
from him because his plan did not work.
If this wasn't his strategy (and
sometimes it isn't,) he may just need time to process this. Many people are
occasionally defensive or even very passive until the dust settles a little and
their feelings go from flat to more realistic. But, waiting and / or trying to
have an honest conversation are probably the best options. I don't know of any
way to "make" him want to make this right again. He has to genuinely
want it for himself. This isn't always immediate, so just because you are not
seeing that now, this doesn't mean that you won't ever see it.
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