I sometimes hear from people who are very disappointed with the way that their spouse is handling the aftermath of the affair. AnastasiaDate.com Reviews Often, their spouse has promised that they will prove their love and commitment. However, the reality of this is quite different than the promises. In short, they haven't made good on the improvements that they implied were imminent. And this can lead the faithful spouse to wonder if their marriage is going to survive when the cheating spouse hasn't even begun to step up the marital plate.
I heard from a wife who said:
"when I caught my husband cheating on me, he begged me not to leave him.
He said that if I would just give him one more chance, he would move heaven and
earth to make sure that I would never regret it. I hesitated at first, but my
husband kept right on pursuing me and begging me to allow him to prove to me
that he could be a wonderful and loyal husband. Eventually, I gave in and I
committed to giving him that chance. And I was anticipating him doing all sorts
of sweet things to make this up to me. I thought he might actually do regular
things AnastasiaDate to show me
his love and commitment. Well, I am still waiting on these things. Because he
hasn't done very much. He may tell me that he loves me and he will sometimes
give me a tentative hug. He hasn't worked on finding a counselor. We don't
regularly talk about what might lead up to this. I don't feel as if he is doing
nearly enough. And I am seriously considering leaving my marriage. If I had
known that he was going to make this sort of half hearted effort, then I
honestly would have left from the very beginning."
This is a very common situation.
It's very normal for a spouse to make all sorts of promises in order to keep their
spouse from leaving them after their infidelity. But unfortunately, few people
have the knowledge and the know how in order to facilitate complete healing all
on their own. And sometimes, they are tentative because they are afraid of
rejection or because they don't really have a firm handle on what their spouse
expects or what they can reasonably and realistically offer. AnastasiaDate.com None of
this means that this situation is hopeless though. Sometimes, in order to truly
get what you want and need, you have to be very direct and ask for it. I will
discuss this in greater detail below.
Be Willing To Define What You Want
And Expect: As a spouse who was cheated on, I identify more with the wife in
this situation. And I do not think that it was unreasonable for her to expect
more from her husband. She absolutely had the right to expect for him to step
up and to at least attempt to make good on his promises. It can feel unfair for
you to have to baby sit him and to lay out exactly what you want or expect for
him to do. But unfortunately, sometimes if you don't do this, then you will
still be waiting for him to take some action.
So before you just give up or walk
away, it makes sense to try to ask him for exactly what you want. That way, if
he doesn't comply, then there is no question that he understood what you
expected and needed. A suggested script might be something like: "we need
to take a couple of minutes and discuss something. After your infidelity, you
promised that you would make this right. So far, this hasn't happened on the
scale that you promised. I don't want to live the rest of my life with a
damaged marriage that has never been repaired. I need for you to do what you said
that you were going to do. By Friday, I would like the names of the counselors
that you have found. By next week, I would like to have some standing
appointments with one of these counselors. I would also like for you to plan
some outings for us to do together. And I would like for you to give me more
affection and reassurances. I am not trying to be overly demanding. But this is
what you told me that I could expect. And so far, not all of what you have
promised has actually happened. I made a commitment not to walk away until I
gave you the chance to make this right. I have given you that chance. So I have
done what I promised. But you haven't. I don't want to walk away from our
marriage. But I need more from you."
Some spouses will get a little
defensive after this conversation. But, once things calm down, at least he will
be clear on what you expect from him. That way, if he is still falling short,
you know that it is by choice instead of by ignorance. I believe that a lot of
the time, remorseful spouses do have good intentions, but they do not have the
knowledge or skill. And they are not sure how their overtures are going to
received. They are understandably concerned about being rejected. That's why
it's so important that you define what you want to see.
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